The biggest lesson I Learned in 2021: It’s Ok To Block And Remove People From My Life
And why it’s nothing but an act of self preservation for me
I never fancied myself to be a people pleaser
And yet I was always too scared, too weak even to just say a plain no. I never really had the willpower to set boundaries and enforce them. I ghosted people at times, simply because I didn’t want to say no but I also didn’t want to make plans or stick to plans. My inability to set boundaries, to say no, to put myself first eventually turned me into someone selfish, flaky and unreliable.
My blocking spree started with blocking the person who tried to coerce me into his polyamorous fantasy.
He wouldn’t take no for an answer and in just a few days of knowing him, he managed to push me so far, that I wrote one last message, telling him very firmly, multiple times that I’m not into this at all and then blocking him right away. Knowing this person can’t reach out again gave me a whole new sense of comfort. Cutting someone out who didn’t bring anything positive to my life felt great. I realised that this is the way to go, that I am allowed to choose who gets to be in my life.
The second person was a guy I met a few times before I started dating my boyfriend. He didn’t know how to take no for an answer. He also didn’t know how to process the fact that I am dating someone else. He tried to cause a scene a number of times. I blocked him when he was in the middle of throwing various insults and threats at me. Not having his negativity, his vulgarity and his entitlement showed in my face anymore made my day. I took away his ability to get into my head. He tried to stalk me in real life, with not much success so instead he chose to harass me in texts. I took away any control he had over me and my life.
I blocked a few more people throughout the year and this is what they all had in common: none of them respected me saying no. None of them were willing to accept that I am entitled to have my own opinion, my own experiences and decide what I want or don’t want. They all tried to convince me of various things. They all projected their expectations on me and when I didn’t play along, they tried to guilt trip me into doing what they expected from me.
The past two years were hard for most of us.
Lockdowns, uncertainty, various levels and types of restrictions and trying to navigate through life during a pandemic drained us all of energy and definitely impacted most people’s moods. When most of my social interactions moved online at the beginning of 2020, I noticed that I’m struggling with keeping up with people.
People would message me and instead of having a conversation, it turned into a therapy session where they offloaded all of their issues on me, vented about work and colleagues and I had nowhere to go. If this was in real life, I could leave. End the conversation. Online? Literally nowhere to hide and conversations never end. At the beginning I only did one thing. I changed settings wherever I could, so people didn’t see when I was online. I also started posting less. If I don’t post, people have no reason to message me. Or so I thought.
Once I blocked the first two people, I also realised I get to choose who I allow into my life. I stopped giving out social media accounts for example. And when someone I didn’t know messaged me on social media, out of the blue, if they took it too far and were out of line, they got blocked. I also didn’t feel obliged to reply to everyone and acknowledge everyone.
And a thought hit me: this should be normalised! This should be talked about more. Why did it take me a string of negative experiences with people to realise I don’t owe anyone my time or energy? That I’m not anyone’s punching bag and I am in no way obliged to allow them to spew their vitriol and negativity into my life? Why did I always feel bad when I didn’t want to speak to someone. Or when someone asked me for advice multiple times, without really caring about how I was doing.
I finally realised that I simply can not allow people into my life who don’t bring anything positive with them.
I know this sounds extremely selfish and it makes it sound like I also have huge expectations towards others. But simple things, like respect, are positive things we can bring into other people’s lives. It’s also the bare minimu, if you really think about it. Someone showing respect is a positive experience. Trust is also a key thing in human relationships. How can I trust someone and allow them to be in my life when they don’t respect my boundaries? How can I trust someone if they can’t take no for an answer?
With social media and all the messaging apps, it became hard to enforce boundaries.
To limit contact. But it’s not impossible. The option is always there to remove people from our lives. Being able to contact someone is not a right. And we take each other for granted. We also got accustomed to people being available all the time.
I’m sure most of us are familiar with the concept of receiving an email and then a text or phone call, bringing said email to one’s attention. Instant messaging apps don’t mean instant replies.
It took me years to learn this. My time is my own and I don’t owe anyone access to my life and to me.
I always thought that blocking people or just simply phasing them out of my life is the weak and cowardly thing to do.
I should find common ground. But that’s not always the case.
I have a limited amount of time and energy. And in order to be the best version of myself for the people who deserve it, and for the people who also give their best version of themselves to me, I have to remove those who drain my energy, who only take and who only bring negativity into my life. This year’s biggest lesson was that I have control over who is in my life.
